Conflict is well defined by the Chinese proverb that says there are three truths: your truth, my truth, and the truth. Conflict can play out with co-workers, in boardrooms, among volunteers, at annual meetings with members, and in working relationships with stakeholders. It’s pretty much inevitable in organizations where you have passionate people committed to changing lives and who are not always going to be unanimous on the best means to accomplish worthy ends.

Whether the disagreement is civil or more volatile, conflict usually prompts a flight or fight response in those involved. Conflict is unsettling and makes all of us uncomfortable.

Conflict can be particularly harmful in organizations that rely on volunteers who increasingly have fewer hours to give and are not going to stick around in an unpleasant environment. Nonprofit employees who work with volunteers and who are held accountable for organizational results are on the edge of the blade when managing staff-volunteer conflict: one miscalculation can result in the axe.

So how should a nonprofit leader best deal with conflict in the organization? These tips can be used when conflict arises:

Heed the hierarchy. Employees other than the executive director should communicate any real or potential conflict with a volunteer to the executive director (or the human resources manager). The executive director can then raise the concern with the board chair for appropriate follow-up. In effect, you are simply getting help from your supervisor.

Get to the heart of it: Be prepared for conflict with questions that may help to move the matter forward more positively. These may include:

• How did the conflict arise?
• Do we all have the information we need to make a decision? If not, can we agree what information we need to obtain and share?
• What interests do we share here?
• Where do we agree?
• Is consensus possible? (consensus: I can live with and support it)

There are scores of resources on the Internet including guides for conflict management and resolution. Here’s one.

The power of apology. Before the conflict rises to a boiling point, think hard (and quickly) whether this is where you want to make your last stand. If it is a simple misunderstanding and you feel comfortable doing so, say you’re sorry. An apology usually disarms the most engaged antagonist. It need not be an admission that you were wrong but rather that there was a misunderstanding. For example, “I could have been clearer in explaining what the board wants to see accomplished with this initiative and I’m sorry it resulted in a misunderstanding between us.” As Dale Carnegie wrote, “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.”

Empathize. I know it’s easier written (or said) than actually lived in the heat of the moment, but be sensitive as to why the other person is so oppositional and see if you can determine the underlying cause. Try to reflect on their interests as well as their position. “The angry people are those people who are most afraid,” wrote Dr. Robert Anthony. Consider why the person is so upset — perhaps they just don’t understand and so are feeling inadequate (something I can sure relate to whenever I have a computer issue I can’t fix).

It’s so important I’m prepared to own it. When you have a co-worker or member who is convinced they are right, and you feel that you may be able to live with their preferred course of action over your own, ask whether they (or for that matter, you) are willing to take full ownership of the decision and be accountable if it proves not to work out. “I can see you feel strongly about this so I wanted to know that if we agree, are you comfortable taking ownership and responsibility for the decision?” This may work in one-on-one situations, but not so with a group such as a board of directors (once a board decides, all directors must own the decision).

Be polite and calm. How we speak and what we say with our body language can push a conflict from mild to miserable. Use phrases (without being patronizing) such as “I understand” and speak softly. Use professional language and don’t be inflammatory or personal. Try to gather facts without appearing to cross-examine the other person.

Invest in relationships. If we think of how we respond to conflict with loved ones, it quickly becomes evident that a valued relationship is worth extra effort and compromise to keep intact. Individuals who work in silos, or who tend to be the lone wolf around the office, make it difficult for co-workers to understand who they are and what they care about. Communication and understanding are the best investment to mitigate conflict. Take the time and make the effort to get to know your colleagues.

There will be times with a colleague that a conversation over coffee will mend fences and bruised feelings. This is usually a good tactic for minor conflicts in day-to-day work. Remember to listen and be open to how you (or your actions) are perceived.

Some times of the year, and some events in the organizational calendar, bring on more stress than others. Heed the good advice of health professionals to also take care of yourself so that when there is conflict at work, you are not faced with the added challenge of dealing with it when you’re emotionally overwhelmed or physically tired.

Content is © Jack Shand and is reprinted with permission.

Jack Shand, CMC, CAE, is president of Leader Quest, a management consulting firm providing expert advice to not-for-profit organizations since 1997. Leader Quest specializes in executive search/staff recruitment, strategic planning, governance, and organizational reviews. Jack can be reached at 905-842-3845 and 1-877-929-4473, or jack-at-leaderquest-dot-com.