Having worked with more than ten not-for-profit organizations as a paid staff person, and thereafter with over 50 as a consultant, I have learned valuable lessons about how to deal with difficult people (replace with members, volunteer, donors, as applicable). This article is a sharing of my personal learning; it is by no means scientific.

The nexus of not-for-profit organizations is the involvement of volunteers. It is their organization. In most cases, these individuals donate their time and talent. This sets up an interesting dynamic regarding their expectations of those working with them. High-performing organizations set up clear roles and responsibilities to direct “who’s on first”. However, certain personalities can create an atmosphere that also has to be dealt with.

Case: Mary is committed to being a very active volunteer; so much so that she shares her opinions by e-mail with a very wide distribution list of volunteers and staff. Her way of suggesting improvements is by criticizing. Mary can be difficult to deal with because she deals from the negative side of her personality. Joe, on the other hand, is short tempered and abrupt. He saves his critical observations for in-person meetings and bullies staff over the phone in between meetings.

It’s not you; it’s them

Difficult people are just that – difficult to deal with. For their own reasons, they have adopted an unconstructive stance with you and/or others (or in some cases everyone) and they are not likely to change that easily. Such behaviour can be described as: explosive, sarcastic, deprecating, blaming, acquiescing, negative, indecisive, complaining, and more. So the first lesson is to put their behaviour into perspective: it is their behaviour. They own it. A safe place for you to start is to control your reaction to their behaviour, and then find ways to manage your relationship with them.

People who work from their negative side are often unaware of how they affect others. I have learned that by changing my attitude toward them and changing my viewpoint about what makes them “wrong”, I can more easily begin to find ways to work well with them.

A practical tool in the not-for-profit world is process. Following bylaws, policies, procedures, guidelines, rules, etc., can serve as impartial defences against difficult members, volunteers or staff. A supportive tool when using process is agreeing on the desired outcome. This can galvanize emotions, efforts and intentions in a shared direction. In our example, Mary was asked to only e-mail the chair with her concerns and that person would deal with them as appropriate. Joe was approached by the chair, who explained that his aggressive verbal style was not appropriate and would not be tolerated. Joe was asked to discuss his concerns with the chair directly and the chair would work with involved parties to rectify any problems.

Realize you have options for dealing with difficult people

Many times, you can turn a bad situation to your advantage by disarming people with kindness and allowing them to feel important. Arrogant people are often hiding behind vulnerability and insecurity, so paying them compliments can alleviate their need to be defensive. Dominant peoples’ strong energy can sometimes be channelled by allowing them leadership roles (the positive side of that energy). However, it is important that the parameters of their role be explicit and agreed upon.

Under no circumstance should staff or volunteers tolerate bullying or any form of behavioural abuse. In such cases, it is advised to use an independent, third-party to facilitate your conflict resolution. And remember, verbal abuse is abuse. It is not okay. If the difficult person is your superior (chair, president, boss, etc.) then you need to discuss your concerns and ask for a resolution; if none is offered, you still have choices.

Difficult people come in many guises

Not all difficult people are aggressive; some are quite passive. Some are habitually indecisive. Some are just plain pessimistic. Some never speak their mind and just act gloomy. Body language sends very effective messages – both ways. Study theirs and watch yours. If you fold your arms, raise your voice, interrupt, or unconsciously clench your fists your body language will likely be observed.

Any discussion seeking a resolution should including giving and getting feedback – an open-minded, two way conversation. Open-ended questions are best to bring out root causes for difficulty. Such conversations can become quite emotional. Remember, if you have to criticize, criticize only the behaviour and not the person. Expect and ask for the same. Turn criticism into an opportunity statement. Successful negotiations require a win/win. Each party should feel they have gained in some way.

Timing is another tool to use when dealing with difficult people. In our e-mail mode of rapid response, resist the urge to reply until you have had sufficient time to calmly and positively select from your response options. For me, this is an overnight approach. My best strategic approach decisions often occur during my morning shower.

Decide to manage your relationship with difficult people

Avoid becoming a victim of a difficult person’s personality or communication style. If you surface conflicts, clarify options to move resolution forward. Use a decision-making system. Interrupt politely and get specific. Reassure and follow through. When necessary, draw the line.

If you identify positive intent and keep the momentum moving in a positive direction, you increase your chances of improving your relationship with difficult people. Don’t paint them into a corner; suggest new options for improving your relationship. Tell your truth and actively listen.

Finally, not matter how your experience in dealing with difficult people turns out, remember that each exchange, whether good or bad, is a lesson on how to deal with others.

And oh, what if that difficult person is you? You can train yourself to “catch” yourself when you’re negative, defensive, and pessimistic, or whatever your negative streak might be. Resist the urge to blurt “it” out; do not react quickly. If you feel defensive, ask others to restate their comment and listen carefully (not defensively). Paraphrase what you think you heard. Commit yourself to staying open-minded. If you are wrong, admit your mistake; consider sharing what you have learned from it. Get help.

Paulette in President of Solution Studio Inc., a consulting practice that serves the not-for-profit association community. She can be reached at 1-877-787-7714 or Paulette@solutionstudioinc.com.