I know I shouldn’t have, but I had a (brief) affair at my office with a married coworker I’ll call Jack (I’m single). Although he said he wanted a divorce from his wife, I figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t want to leave her for me, so we stopped seeing each other. I now have to work with him on my team and I’m finding it very awkward since I still have feelings for him. I should perhaps mention that I am a gay man, and he does NOT want to come out. Should I force the issue, or just look for another job?

Romantic relationships can be filled with joy, excitement, enthusiasm, and titillation. When you are dating coworkers at the same office, you can also add potential career risk, job dissatisfaction, and possible unemployment onto that list; the stakes with a failed romantic relationship at work are much higher. A failed relationship outside of work, however difficult and disappointing it may be, is usually easier to handle because you can often simply avoid seeing your former partner and get on with your life by being where he or she is not.

The power of love

Things are not as simple when your short to mid-term financial livelihood and career satisfaction depend on you being at work everyday in the same environment as your ex. Of course, even when relationships remain successful in a work environment, there are strong suspicions from other colleagues against one or both members of the “Happy Couple.” When one or both of the partners is in a position of power, real or perceived biases toward the significant other can create serious animosity from other employees, making work life difficult, or even intolerable.

Loving and Love, Inc.

Office romances are nothing new, and certainly all don’t end badly. And let’s face it, with more of us working longer hours these days, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for singles over 25 to meet others. The workplace provides a rich romantic environment, often full of other attractive people that share many similarities, including age range, socio-economic status, even political affiliations, among many other factors. It is inevitable that many of them hook up, just as you did. Many times, each partner is mature and handles a break up well. They are able to coexist in the same workspace with only occasional awkwardness, and without any serious impact to their careers, working relationships, or personal emotional state. While hindsight is 20/20 and love is often blind, the time to visualize the possible negative consequences of a failed relationship is before it starts to get serious.

Should I stay or should I go?

It is, of course, too late for you now that you have been involved, so you have to weigh the consequences of moving on, particularly in this grim economic time. You should also consider your overall career and job satisfaction. If this relationship never happened, would you be contemplating a job change? You do not want this unfortunate episode to unfairly influence your thought process in such an important decision. Take your time, try not to let your emotions rule, and discuss the pros and cons with very close and trusted friends (NEVER with your coworkers or HR department).

From force to farce

I would not recommend “forcing” the issue, or confronting your ex. He has made a conscious decision to move on. However hurtful that may be to you, challenging him to come back to you, or trying to change how he feels about you will not result in an outcome that would be satisfactory for either of you in the long run. It is better to make a sincere attempt to communicate how you feel, understand his feelings about the situation, and come to a mutually satisfactory and respectful agreement on how you will behave toward each other during work hours. In addition, even though society has progressed, there are still sometimes extreme biases toward gay relationships, whether in the office or not. Your ex might feel more pressure not to announce his sexual preference at work for fear of negative backlash from others, including his spouse and family.

Dr. Time to the rescue

Time does heal all wounds, after all, and while it may be hard to believe, this hurt will pass. The best solution, whether you ultimately decide to stay where you are or change jobs, is to move on with your personal life and start seeing other people. Hopefully you will soon be swooning over someone whom you look forward to seeing at the END of your workday, not during it.

Good luck!

Mitchell Stephenson M.A., CPCC, is a senior partner and a certified professional career counsellor at Catalyst Careers, a career transition, counselling, and outplacement firm. Mitch has been involved in human resources, career counselling and coaching in the health and legal sectors for many years. To contact him, visit: www.catalystcareers.com.

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