I just heard that one of my co-workers just won the promotion I was also trying for. She’s now going to be my boss. I just want to quit right now out of disgust, since she’s totally incompetent. We were good friends, but I don’t think we can be friends ever again. What should I do?

From colleague to boss: how to deal with it

This scenario combines a lot of competing emotions for you at the moment.  You are certainly saddened by the fact that you lost the promotion yourself, jealous of the fact that someone else received the prize you sought, distressed that you may have lost a good friend, and worried about how your new “boss” will perform.

Try to get perspective and put your emotions aside

The emotions described above are all natural feelings relating to what’s happened. The real challenge to you as a person, and as a professional, is in how you deal with them.  We all have a natural tendency to assume we’re the best, and that others automatically see what we see in ourselves.

Ask the individual(s) involved in the decision-making process, other trusted colleagues and mentors about their perspectives on this decision. While it’s OK to express your natural disappointment, don’t come across with your heart on your sleeve, with petty grievances and a general “Sour Grapes” approach.

Complaining to the decision-makers or others about their poor choice is more likely to put you in a bad light than say anything about your new boss. Remember, everything you say will likely work its way back to your boss, and even further up the ladder.

Additionally, if you are professional and objective in your approach, you are much more likely to get honest input from them. A “constructive criticism” type question such as “what do you think I can do in the future to ensure that I get promoted next time?” is very effective.

The best lessons learned are usually lessons earned

Trying to be objective and take the emotion out of the equation, or at the very least, not doing anything rash is almost always the best (but not usually easiest) road to take, at least until you’ve had some time to adjust to the new reality.

Take this time to look inwardly first, and see if there were valid reasons why your colleague was promoted, and you weren’t.  This can be a difficult and painful exercise for most of us, but it can be a valuable learning experience as well.  Most of us learn the best career lessons when these unfortunate things happen – it’s just that it takes time for the lessons to sink in sometimes.

Often, it can be years later that we realize that the “stupid decision” they made was actually not so stupid after all, and in hindsight, perhaps the best thing that could have happened at the time.

Do a switch-a-roo

As a mental exercise, switch positions with your former colleague.  What if you had received the promotion? How would your co-worker have likely reacted? Don’t just assume that they would automatically see that since you are so eminently qualified, and they are quite obviously incompetent, that they would have jumped to the rafters with joy.  They may have faced the news exactly the way you did.

Now ask yourself: how would you want your colleague to react to the news of your promotion? That is precisely the way in which you should approach this situation.

Take time to see how the new pecking order shapes up

We take for granted the fact that when we are initially hired, there is an automatic acceptance of the “natural order”. If you had joined the organization and your colleague had already been promoted and was your boss, good or bad, you would be more accepting of her leadership, since “that’s the way it’s always been”.

We all need to find our place in the prescribed social order of the workplace. Right now, your former colleague has moved up a notch in that order. There have been studies done about our primate cousins and the “alpha” leader principle, which outline the enormous pressure that can face that “alpha” leader.

Your former colleague is probably feeling just as emotionally charged as you are right now, going through similar sentiments, perhaps with a bit of elation thrown in at having received the promotion in the first place. This can be a very difficult adjustment for both of you.  She will make mistakes, and that means you can learn leadership lessons with very little organizational risk to you. It all depends on your approach and attitude.

Get off that emotional roller coaster

The most gratifying thing to do right now might be to “quit in disgust”, but you will likely find that that short term moment of satisfaction can translate into a major long term pain as you try to explain your actions to prospective employers in interviews.

If you find after 6 months or so of working with your new boss that it simply isn’t working for you, you should definitely consider your options. In the meantime, try to develop the template of how you would want your former coworkers to react when you are the one getting promoted next time.

Good luck!

Michael Mayne, M.B.A., CMA, is Managing Partner and a Certified Professional Career Counsellor at Catalyst Careers, a Career Transition, Counselling, and Outplacement firm. Michael has been involved in the not-for-profit sector for many years, and is Past President and Treasurer of ALS Canada. To contact Michael, visit: www.catalystcareers.com.

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