I have recently come back from a maternity leave and am having difficulty in adjusting to my old job. I find that I am really torn between the needs of my new child and my career responsibilities. I find I’m just getting more and more frustrated and depressed because I feel I’m not doing the best for either one. I’ve nearly walked in and quit several times in the past 2 weeks. I can’t decide which route to take.

Welcome to the club…

There are many professional women who feel torn between addressing the very significant needs of a new child and the usual stresses of a busy career. Many of our clients are facing exactly the same scenario you are describing. For good or bad, this issue will resolve itself over time as your child eventually grows up, so first congratulate yourself for being proactive and weighing up your options before taking any rash action. You do need to dig deeper to get at the primary reasons for the feelings you are dealing with, before things start to spiral out of control.

Give yourself a little time

Is this a temporary phase? You may be going through more of a transitional adjustment than you had originally anticipated. Be fair to yourself – there have been massive changes in your life over the past year, and your organization didn’t stand still while you were away, so don’t expect that you can simply turn back the clock and walk back into your usual routine right away. It can take time to get your bearings back and truly size up your new environment and responsibilities.

Sizing up the situation

What exactly are you feeling? For new mothers in particular, there are many competing objectives when integrating back into the workforce. You need to work through your feelings to get to the major issues. There are often tremendous feelings of guilt at leaving your child in the care of another person, coupled with the draining emotions of first time separation from them. You could also be experiencing the pressure of your new work responsibilities, and simply have too much to do in a short period of time. Adding in the usual parental sleep deprivation that often occurs at this time, it’s no wonder you feel a little overwhelmed. So try to list, in order, which of these issues are your primary concerns. Many I’m sure can be competing for the #1 spot, and that’s OK, since you can work out solution strategies for each one.

Options, options, options

Once you have isolated your primary issues, you can begin to look for possible solutions, or other options to make you cope better. This is when you can explore job sharing programs, shorter work weeks, or part-time alternatives to ease the pressure at work. Be careful to go to your supervisor with a solution plan, rather than laying your problem on their desk. Work out how your new schedule will help them achieve their objectives while still giving you more freedom. Talk to your significant other – if the thought of having a stranger looking after your child is your primary concern, perhaps a spouse or family member is willing to step in. You should be as creative as possible, and only when you have abandoned all of these options should you think about resigning your position.

It all comes down to values

Ultimately, you have to be honest with yourself and acknowledge your inner values. You shouldn’t try to be “SuperMom” at all times. We have found for our clients that major stressors primarily develop in situations when they are essentially not living to their internal value system. They are trying to be Mrs. Cleaver and Hilary Clinton or Martha Stewart at the same time – these women’s value systems are quite different. Look to your core being and your values for the answer – don’t try to live through someone else’s value system (i.e. your parents, your friends, etc). What worked for them may not work for you. So if you really want to stay home with your child at this stage of your life because you (and no one else) value the day-to-day role and responsibilities of motherhood more highly than your career right now, it can be hard to fight it. Whatever you do, you should acknowledge the importance of compromise.

There Will ALWAYS Have To Be Compromises

Few of us can have everything we want in life. If you want to stay at home, for example, it could mean you will have major sacrifices in other areas. Ideally, the pain of these sacrifices is more than offset by the pleasure of living out your values. At times, the real world steps in for some of us, and we simply have no other choice – we need to work because we need to eat. But sometimes there is no thought given to possible sacrifices in other areas – so perhaps if we cut out the vacations, get a cheaper form of transport, or make other compromises in our lives, we can make it work financially. Many people don’t do this exercise and simply assume that they “need” all these additional perks. It is OK to accept temporary situations that are not ideal while working out a plan for the longer term. Try to adjust other areas of your life to compensate.

There is no doubt that it is a new world for women and men today. Remember that kids are amazingly adaptable, and will likely turn out great no matter what you do. They do grow up quickly, so try to enjoy the ride while sticking to your own value system as much as you can.

Good Luck!

Michael Mayne, M.B.A., CMA, is Managing Partner and a Certified Professional Career Counsellor at Catalyst Careers, a Career Transition, Counselling, and Outplacement firm. Michael has been involved in the not-for-profit sector for many years, and is Past President and Treasurer of ALS Canada. To contact Michael, visit: www.catalystcareers.com.

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