What is the first word that comes to mind when you think about your interactions, connections, and relationships with others? Maybe it’s joy or happiness but it might also be conflict or exhaustion.
Our relationships, both at work and in our personal lives, are wonderful and a source of our happiness. They are also draining and can cause frustration and anger.
Our relationships are wonderful AND they are challenging
Research in the area of positive psychology (the scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive) has repeatedly shown that one of the most important predictors of our happiness is our connections with others. How can something that is so essential to our well-being also be so complicated?
Relationships happen between two or more individuals that have different values, needs and experiences. People also have different styles of connecting and communicating. No one style is better or worse, they are just different. Regardless of our communication style, we all pay attention to what is important to us at the moment. We see what we are looking for. That is how our minds work.
Creating strong and positive connections is essential to our success AND there will be challenges. Conflict and disagreement are part of the best relationships. We can deal with these things in a way that will permit learning and personal growth and allow the relationship to move forward.
We are capable of communicating better and dealing with conflict in a more positive way.
We cannot avoid difficult conversations, but we can learn the skills needed to better handle them. There are many things that we can control about how we connect with others. The following are some essential concepts:
- Treat others the way that they want to be treated. I did not get the famous saying wrong! In our personal and professional relationships, we need to treat others how they want to be treated. If your boss needs data and structure and you crave more informal conversations, you can find ways to provide what they need while also asking for what you need. It is easy to do what we think feels good but we need to remember that others may prefer we treat them differently.
- Talk about the problem, not the person. If you use accusatory statements like “you never” or “you always”, the conversation is over. All of us react to these types of sentences by arguing or shutting down in order to protect ourselves. We stop listening. If we instead talk about the behaviour or the circumstance at hand and why it’s problematic from our perspective we allow the other side to listen and participate in the conversation.
- Listen with the intent to understand, not to solve the problem. We need to listen with the goal of understanding and making the other person feel heard. I always ask my clients if they think that they are good listeners and most say that they are. The reality is that most of us are not good listeners, because listening is hard work. During training sessions I use an exercise where two people try talking to each other – one talks about a conflict that they are having and the other has to listen and ask questions without offering solutions. Without fail the person doing the listening finds it very difficult not to move to solutions and the person being listened to is thrilled to feel like they are being heard.
- Give authentic and specific appreciation. We do not do this often enough. We all give constructive feedback to let people know what they need to improve on but we forget how powerful it is to receive appreciation. Showing appreciation improves relationships and it’s free to give.
Personal and professional relationships are wonderful AND challenging
Relationships, just like humans, are imperfect and constantly changing. They are a source of happiness and can also cause frustration. We have the power to improve them and to have them enrich our lives.
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Claudia Aronowitz
Whole-person coaching: creating better lives at work & home. Helping you find your way forward. Claudia is an accomplished personal development and relationship coach. Compassionate and insightful, Claudia is a straightforward communicator with the ability to clarify complex situations and help her clients gain new perspectives and improve their communication skills to better connect with the people who matter the most.
Learn more about Claudia: www.claudiaaro.com
